loner

it's midnight on a saturday, well sunday now
and while the rest of NYC is on their way out
i'm on my way to bed

from the window of my second floor apartment
i stand in my pajamas
and watch
as my neighbors and their friends
leave the comforts of home for the night
only to return early in the morning
exhausted
yet satisfied

i should go out
i would go out
if only i really knew what going out was,
what it meant and how to go about doing it
and also
if there were others- friends
with which i could say my time was spent

but here i stand
looking out at a world
that is passing me by
and swallowing me whole

different people passing- coming and going
but only one thought set in stone
i wish i was going out tonight
and i wish i wasn't alone

internal struggle

a mind is a terrible thing to waste
but i wish mine would leave me alone for a while
because it is causing an
internal struggle
between itself and my heart

all you gotta do is say yes
don't deny what you feel...
the game is mind over matter
and my mind don't feel like playin'
'cuz it does not like to lose
and yet, it has never really won

so i am left always
watching
needing
wanting
but never fulfilling or fueling
the dreams of the stone cold furnace lying within my soul
longing to be ingited

i need internal peace and quiet
unforced and unfabricated
thoughts
to run free in my brain
those are the ones that will calm the storm
and end the struggle

my heart is trying to win-
it's up against a longtime companion and foe...
it's mind over matter

exhausted

legs and arms- immobile
body- aching
mind- frazzled and confused
Will- exhausted

my body is not used to this
but it still tries
and tries hard
to get to where it wants to be
and how it wants and needs to move

a dream deferred may end up
shriveled like a raisin in the sun
but a dream on the road to fulfillment
is leaving me tired, afraid, optimistic & concerned
as i am traveling down this road alone

like a dark victory
my life is an oxymoron
the glass is both half empty
and half full

but i still truly believe it'll happen
i'm just venting out of frustration
no rest for the weary
and no success for the well rested
so with baby steps & wavering determination
i forge ahead
exhausted

artist

she moved in a while ago
no face to face introductions
only a conversing of slammed doors
and glimpses of presence through light & movement

i'm forced to wonder
about my new neighbor's occupation
as once in a while is fine but
coming home at 3 in the morning
on a nightly basis
is something i've never before been privy to
and besides that, it interrupts my sleep

stripper?
nah
dj?
maybe
but definitely not a 9-5

never able to ask as our schedules
are obviously conflicting
but as my sleep was interrupted again last night
my assumptions were clarified

3:15am- right on time
click of the lock
slam of the door
switch of the light to a bright and fluorescent glow
and an addition to tonite's repertoire...

a song
slow, jazzy and sweet
an obvious lasting residual of the evening's events

reminded me of Lutie Johnson
in Ann Petry's "the street"
who came alive at night
in manhattan's night clubs
a sassy songstress
and other stories known to me as my reason for moving to NYC

she's an artist
with a song to sing

and now her 3am arrival
is no longer an interruption
but a slow, sweet
lullaby

a letter to God

i have to admit, i'm upset right now
whether it's at you or simply at the universe- i'm not quite sure
i just know that i'm upset

you see, all my life i've had this thing i've come to know as faith
faith in you
faith in there actually being a purpose for me in this life
faith that i'm not to spend the rest of my life asking questions

happiness seems to come in very short pieces of time
or so it seems- at least recently
i know i should count my blessings as they are now, and i do
but i can remember a time when things made sense
when i was always happy- and about everything
now i find myself asking "what the fuck" or "what's the point"
and "why... just why?"

why am i crippled i so many ways
why can't i find the strength, courage & wisdom i need to surpass all this
why do i have so many questions & so few answers
and if you are a God that is too good for us to have fear,
why am i always scared?

i keep believing & trusting that it'll all turn around & get better
but i don't know how much longer i can last
i know i'm here in this place & time for a reason
but at this point it seems it's just to take up space

i still have faith
but that candle begins to flicker more and more with each passing day
as this bubble in which i am confined gets tighter and void of oxygen

i'd love to breathe again
i'd love to be free again

so if you'd kindly burst this bubble
and set this eagle free
it would be GREATLY appreciated

thank you,
will

virginity

wait, wait, wait
holup, holup, HOLD UP
lemee get this straight
you're a 25 year old black gay man livin in NYC
and all you do is masturbate?

shit, i gotta pull over
before i crash this car
damn, man even my baby brother's
already gotten that far

dude you gotta loosen up
you gotta let go
be more like me, man
'cuz umm... you know

i don't see nothin' wrong...

with tappin' that ass all night long
man, you better hurry up and get yo' freak on
'cuz keepin' that shit locked up is just wrong!

i know you ain't got no disease or nothin'
so you need to be in that back seat straight bumpin'
and grindin' to the beats- all hardcore & tight
or maybe slow & sensual to some R. Kelly or Barry White

stick with us- we'll get you turned out
you know, me and & my crew
hey man, you listenin' to what i been sayin?
(yeah)
so bitch, whatchu gon' do?
---------

hey, i've waited this long
and it's suited me just fine
i know that it'll happen
all in good time

trust me, i'm dyin' to get down,
take a dip, & give it up
but i'm not tryin' to compromise
just to bust a good nut

i need a real man
with values, who's not just a shmuck
talkin' 'bout "hey yo, what up shun
i'm just tryin' to fuck...
n'ah mean?"

no, i don't
so take that shit somewhere else
if yo' dick's all you got to offer
i really couldn't care less

so step up those who are
chill, smart, patient with personality
'cuz after some time, it'll be you
who'll get this sweet man's
VIRGIN-I-TY

bootleg

cds 3 dollars
dvds 5 dollars
how ' bout a Louis Vuitton bag for 35

knock offs cheaper than you can imagine
sold from a blanket on 47th St. in Times Square NYC
and almost every person walking by
a tourist and potential buyer

"see somethin' you like miss?"
i hear being said as i pass by
"you have such nice stuff- ooohhh, Sarah, look at this one
yes, i think i'll take-"

"shit, pack-it up, let's go!! FUCK!
sorry, miss
C'MON!!"
and other words spoken in a foreign tongue

"wait- what about my bag?
what happened?" she asks me
i let my finger answer as i point to an officer in pursuit

"oh, the cops?" she asks, "that's the reason why?"
i laugh to myself, a smirk on my face
"Go Home" my only reply.

a quick fix

vanilla ice cream
chocolate chips
caramel, fudge
& cookie dough

search the contents within
healing the parts that do not show

whatever emotions
feelings
hurt
and anger
that currently exist

are refreshed
and restored back to normal
just like the earth
from a springtime mist

however temporary
the gratification of this
quick fix
may last

each spoonfuls
slowly and delectably
leads my frustrations
into the past

and although
after this last bite
i'll still be
all alone

with a smile & face covered in ice cream
i'll turn around and say
hey look ma... no cone!

cone...crumpled

...the answer was no
because you have over 300 friends and you don't need another

the answer was no
because friendship's not where we were headed, you wanted a lover

i'm at a loss for words
because i truly cared for you
and i still do
but our paths just crossed at the wrong time
when neither one of us were ready

it hurt so much to say what i had to say
and see the reaction on your face
but it also hurt to hear your anger
and feel your shade

i'm just extremely saddened
and rather upset at the universe
carrots dangled in my face
and taken away so suddenly
with no rhyme or reason
what's the point
where's the lesson
why do i even try
i meet someone i could potentially love
but because of cicrumstance have to pass him by

and now, once again the drive has been fumbled
as my ice cream's on the ground, & my sweet candy cone...crumpled.

cone

you've been running around in my head for almost a week now
every minute. second. moment.
in every task & every sentence I've allowed to enter my mind
it has never been so good
which is why now it hurts so bad

like a child given an ice cream cone
i was ecstatic & you were all that mattered
walking, talking, partaking, enjoying
but i did not see that piece of earth up ahead
waiting for my foot, waiting for my ice cream cone
and TRIP - i fall

i rise shaken and stirred, cone still in hand
but my long-awaited desert lies melting on the land
neither one of our faults as it was part of life's plan
but for reasons too complicated for me to understand

i've written about crying & my inability to do so
now my tears are falling hard and fast
and i sob for life's cruelty has grabbed me once again

uncontrolled by my emotions i forget i'm not alone
as i'm reminded of what's left of the empty candy cone
still lying in my hand just as sweet, just as good

i try to walk ahead looking back as i go
wanting to pick up my ice cream, but instead must say no
i'd like to move on with the cone & continue with the show
but will the cone still want me now things are different?

don't know...

introductions

awkward and usually
uncomfortable
hugs and salutations between
strangers

is this coupling of people a date
or just 2 friends meeting
for the first time

i'm never sure in these
sit-uations

un
certainty
mysterious and elusive

but the evening goes on
and so do the introductions

to:

personalities
views
nature
and self

beauty i never knew existed
amongst the trees and the lakes
that make up the center of this city
this universe

conversation in which I never knew I could engage
amongst the cynicism and insecurity
that make up the center of this mind
this man

comfort and calm i never knew i could feel
amongst the turbulence and inexperience
that make up the center of this existence
this life

burgers and fries
willow trees and mosquito flies
seductive conversing of eyes
and i find myself
at peace
not wanting to say goodbye

alas all great things must come to an end

a lovely early evening in Central Park
a budding friendship
a chance to see you again

certainty
no longer a mystery

as our
introductions
are now a part of history

Funk
April 20, 2004

This mood I'm in

Nothin's happened - everything's normal
As normal as it always has been
but not really as normal as it should be

It's hard to explain
I can't even explain it to myself let alone provide an answer to your prodding questions
Getting Late playing over, and over
Not simply because it's good, but because it's somewhat sad
And right now, sad seems to be what I can relate to the most

It's not what's being said
but how

It's not the rhythm of the music
but how the vibe and delivery of the words match the melody of the song
and how the melody matches the current state of my soul

I wanna cry... but never can

"How's about I let you
Touch this space that you left behind
The day that you stopped smiling
The day that the tears started falling..."

I've been here before
I recognize
this feeling
I could start crying at any moment
And wouldn't be able to tell you why

It's a scary and unsetling feeling, really
But also comfortable and familiar

Where's that smile
You know, the one from not too long ago
un-forced, un-fabricated
Genuine
and real

Lost.
at least for the moment
In this Funk

Incense and Happiness
April 5, 2004

It all begins with a match
a match in your hand or within your soul
suddenly sparking
the fire's ignited
Let it burn

Smoke stemming from the root
The party has started
Much like the smoke rising
you're flying
Sometimes calmly and sensually
Sometimes vibrantly
Always from the same place
never un satisfying
but never completely gratifying

Rising
Flowing
Living
Glowing
Each smoke signal off to find a different part of the room
Each action off to find a different part of life
And the ashes that are left behind go unnoticed
Let it burn

The stick is getting shorter
but the smoke is releasing faster
and hotter than before
the smell more intense
the smile even brighter
and the feeling of joy and peace
insurmountable

It's over- the smoke's gone
Now all that's left are ashes
and memories
The scent is still strong
but it's not enough
Time for more
Where's the box?

Push the ashes aside
Deal with them later
I need a new stick NOW
They were never really that important anyway
They're just the remains of my life
and what matters is now and not then, right?

Sweet, there's the box
Yes, a nice long-lasting stick will do this time
All set
It's time to Let it burn
Now all I need is a

Shit, I'm outta matches
And what the fuck's with all these ashes...

Goodbye
Jan. 30, 2004

You came into my life and turned it all around
Like morning you presented a brand new day
And created a brand new me
Filled with change, hope and opportunity

You lifted me higher than I ever thought I could go
Yet disappeared so suddenly leaving me with nothing
But memories
And while memories are great
My heart, like the Grand Canyon, remains empty
Longing for completion once again

Laughing together until tears streamed from our eyes
And crying ourselves to sleep only to see you later in my dreams
Were the greatest experiences of my life
Now you’re gone and what you created seems to have died

When I see you now, you’re different
Like you and I were never WE
I never was as quick as you
Blinded by love I guess
The fire’s almost out; is it even burning at all?
Or are my eyes just showing me a glimpse of the flame we once shared
A flame long extinguished in your soul, but burning strong in mine

You’ve found new love
I guess it’s time for me to do the same
But before I go
Thank you
For everything
Thank you for me
And most of all, Thank you for this lesson

I know I’ll be seeing you again
Only now through different eyes
You have nothing more to offer me
So consider this last Thank You-
Goodbye.

Chicken Shit
October 21, 2003

My phone book gets increasingly larger with numbers I won't call
Why is that?
My experiences fewer and fewer cuz I'm too afraid to fall
Why is that?
Countless nights and weekends are spent just home alone
Why is that?
Rumaging through the numbers of my un-used telephone
When out with friends and mates I have nothing at all to say
Why is that?
Yet the pages of this journal grow fuller and fuller each day
So many dreams and aspirations, yet all I do is sit
Why is that?
I'll tell you in 2 words simply, it's cuz I'm Chicken Shit!

Untitled
June 19, 2003

"You're going to Hell!" they chant, "That's your punishment for being gay"
"You're going to Hell!" I chant, that's your punishment for the words you say
This "sin" as you call it is something I didn't choose
You don't know me but you hate me, I can tell- I see your work on the nightly news
Matthew Shephard & countless others taken way before their time
By you claiming to be doing "God's Word," um.... no, it's called a Hate Crime!
We'll stand before the gates of Heaven waiting to get in
You'll get to the front, they'll pause and say, "Wait... You violated one of the 10"
So let's not judge or fight each other for the battle is already won
For God has room for all of us
You his straight daughter, and me his gay son.

Dues
June 5, 2003

50 Dollars
Broken Bones
Maybe even 5 years to life
These things we pay, we call our "Dues", for everyone a different price
Some pay little, some pay more; we pay forever- or so it seems
To claim a reality we've wanted since childhood, you remember- your life-long dreams
For me, my dues come in different forms like insecurity, fear or a worthless job
In fact they're the inspiration for these words swimming around in my head like a blob
I watch tv or a picture show wishing it was me
Attempts of suppression never really work when it comes to jealousy or envy
But soon my time will come and I'll be free from all this bull
And then I'll recieve a statement that reads...
"Your Dues are paid in FULL!"

No One Told Me
June 3, 2003

No one told me life would be easy
No one told me life would be hard
No one told me the deck of cards I'd be dealt would keep me isolated and sometimes scarred
No one told me that I'd be gay and live most of my youth in seclusion
And while harsh words & threats fostered fear, no one told me that fear was an illusion
No one told me I'd want so much
No one told me I'd need so little
And as far as Black or White was concerned, no one told me I'd be stuck in the middle
No one told me that I'd be odd or that I'd be odd for a reason
And after giving up on the idea of being a late bloomer, no one told me every flower has it's own season
No one told me that I'd be happy
No one told me that I'd be blessed
And while thinking of what the future could hold
No one told me I'd forget the rest.

Sexual Timebomb
May 28, 2003

I am a sexual timebomb ready to explode
My virginity's got me trapped craving to blow my load
I swear I'm not a prude- I just don't wanna die
For something so hot that feels so good inside
"Masturbate" you say, "That'll make you feel much better"
Been there, done that, I only wake up wetter
So many thoughts are running through my head
Like the one where I see myself taking you to bed
Sexual frustration is something everyone goes through
Sex is the one thing we all have in common, but my problem is... with who?
I can't believe I'm writing this down, it's actually kind of fun
And safer and easier that chatting with someone named "FuckmetilIcum."